


Insecurity

by katychan666



Series: Starting Over [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Human AU, M/M, Protective Alec, Single Dads AU, first I love yous, insecure!magnus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:20:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22960063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katychan666/pseuds/katychan666
Summary: Upon seeing Alec with his ex-husband, his feelings of insecurity come out and he shows his vulnerable side to Alec. Alec realises just how much Camille hurt him in the past and he promises that he'll teach Magnus what real happiness feels like.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Starting Over [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1642375
Comments: 28
Kudos: 252
Collections: Favorite Malec Stories





	Insecurity

‘’And did Rafael behave?’’ asked Alec, Gavin nodding. Rafael was back from spending the weekend over at Gavin’s and he looked pretty content, no bad mood and Alec was glad to see that. Ever since he saw that Gavin was trying to improve himself and straighten his life, he allowed Rafael to be spending two days per week at Gavin’s if that was what he wanted and he was glad to see the improvement. It was baby steps, but he could see that his ex truly cared about their child, so he was glad about that. Biting on his lip, he took in a deep breath and silence of awkwardness fell upon the two of them, Alec glancing down and he was studying his own shoes, trying to say something… a good way to say goodbye, but he could tell that Gavin didn’t really wanna leave and he pressed his lips together, because now what= He was glad that he was working things out, but Magnus was coming over in just a few minutes and he really didn’t want the two of them to run into each other. He just didn’t want to deal with all of the awkwardness and other stuff. Biting into his lip, Alec looked up and finally decided to break the silence. ‘’So, see you next-’’

‘’I was thinking,’’ said Gavin and Alec pressed his lips together because that couldn’t mean anything good, could it? A sentence being started like that usually meant that nothing good was going to come out of this, but Alec still decided to give him the chance to explain himself and he was curious to hear what he was thinking about. ‘’Um,’’ said Gavin and Alec could tell that he was kind of nervous. ‘’I don’t really like how we left things,’’ he said and Alec crossed his arms on top of his chest. ‘’I mean I was horrible to you and I just,’’ he said and ran his fingers through his blonde hair. ‘’I really, um, it wasn’t me, that was the alcohol, I realise it now, I shouldn’t have acted the way I did,’’ he said and Alec pressed his lips together, but eventually nodded.

‘’That is correct,’’ said Alec. ‘’You were indeed horrible and not only to me but to Rafe as well,’’ he said and then chewed on his lip. ‘’But I am glad that you apologised. I’m not going to pretend and say that I forgive you already because I  _ can’t _ ,’’ he said and Gavin took in a deep breath. ‘’And least not yet, but maybe somewhere in the future I can find it in me to forgive you,’’ he said and Gavin had disappointment written all over his face, but then again that was something to be expected. After all, he has hurt Alec a lot, he has completely ruined their family and because of him, Rafael was-

‘’I know, I know,’’ said Gavin and then made a little pause. ‘’But if you’d like, I mean,’’ he said and then made a little pause again. His voice was shaking and Alec could tell that he was nervous as hell. ‘’This is the fourth month since I’m completely sober and I promise to you that I’m really working hard on improving myself, my life is getting back on tracks,’’ he said and Alec gave him a little nod. Again, he was happy for him, because that was wonderful news. All of the drinking that was going on was horrible, he was quite aggressive when he got really drunk and Alec chewed on his lower lip because images started flashing in front of his eyes and he had to look down. Luckily, Rafe was too young then to remember anything and he was glad about it. 

‘’I am proud of you,’’ said Alec and gave Gavin a little smile. ‘’i can tell that you’re working really hard and I’m glad that you’re finally seeking out help,’’ said Alec and Gavin gave him a little nod because he was truly happy to see that Alec was on the same page as him and he cleared his throat. ‘’You seem a lot healthier,’’ he commented and Gavin gave him a little nod again.

‘’Yeah,’’ said Gavin, thinking that this was going his way. ‘’So, if you would like,’’ he said and stepped closer to Alec, who stiffened. ‘’I mean,’’ he said and shook his head. ‘’Leaving you was one of the most stupid things I’ve ever done, I should have never let you go, I should have never treated you the way I did,’’ said Gavin and Alec closed his eyes, because he knew where this was going. He formed loose fists with his hands and he just shook his head because that wasn’t going to happen. ‘’I-I miss you, Alec, I miss you terribly and what we’ve had… it was good, wasn’t it?’’ he asked, hopefully and Alec gave him a little sad smile. It was good, at the beginning.

‘’I… we’ve had a few good moments, yes,’’ said Alec and then looked at him, shaking his head. Gavin didn’t know about Magnus yet, but then again, he didn’t really have to know about Alec’s love life. They were divorced for over a year, so he was free to date whoever he pleased to date and he shook his head again. ‘’But, listen Gavin, this doesn’t really mean that we’re-’’

‘’Give me another chance, I beg you,’’ said Gavin, almost pleading and he reached for Alec’s hand, who looked down and felt his heart getting heavy because he could tell that Gavin still cared for him, in his own way at least. He could see that he truly regretted doing what he did in the past, but at the same time…  _ Alec gave Gavin more than another chance.  _ There was a second, a third, a fourth… a fifth chance and it never really worked out. Alec just couldn’t imagine himself ever going back to that, not when he had such a great thing going on with Magnus. Two months and he was completely different; finally full of life and happiness. ‘’I-I truly fucked up, but I’ll treat you and Rafe right this time around and Rafe needs two parents, we could be a family again,’’ said Gavin and stepped closer. ‘’Huh, what do you say?’’ he asked and stepped even closer, Alec freezing up even more when he felt Gavin’s hand upon his cheek and he just bit into his lip.

‘’Gavin, I can’t,’’ muttered Alec and the other looked up at him, completely devastated. ‘’I just… I can’t,’’ said Alec and then realised that it would be a fair thing from him to tell Gavin that he was indeed seeing someone else. ‘’I’m seeing someone else,’’ he said and Gavin’s heart broke. ‘’And even if I wasn’t I just… I can’t go back to that, Gavin, I truly can’t,’’ he said and withdrew his hand away, shaking his head. ‘’I’m sorry, but I… I just I can’t, I’ve been through a lot and it would be just,’’ he said and made a pause. ‘’You’ve hurt me a lot and I just recently gotten over it,’’ he said. ‘’The guy I’m seeing now is great and he makes me happy,’’ he said and Gavin was quiet because he didn’t know how to process the news. 

‘’How long?’’

‘’How long?’’ repeated Alec.

‘’Is this relationship been going on?’’ asked Gavin.

‘’Around two months,’’ said Alec and Gavin pressed his lips together. ‘’I’m sorry, maybe I should’ve let you know earlier, but then again… we’re divorced and we’re free to date,’’ he said and Gavin didn’t say anything, but Alec had a point. He didn’t really blame Alec, he blamed himself this time around because he couldn’t believe that he was so stupid to completely take for granted everything that he had with Alec. It was killing him, but he couldn’t turn back the time and he was going to have to deal with the consequences. It was his own fault, he did enough soul searching to finally realise that and he bit his lip. 

‘’Do you love him?’’ asked Gavin with a small voice and Alec held in his breath because he didn’t really think about the  _ love _ word yet, but lately he was thinking more and more about it and maybe it was still too soon, they’ve been together for two months, but he was starting to think that it was love after all. Alec didn’t really want to go ahead of himself, but yes, he did love Magnus. His feelings were growing stronger and stronger and he clasped his hands together and slowly nodded.

‘’Yes, I think I do,’’ said Alec and Gavin took in a deep breath because that hurt, but then again he was also expecting that kind of an answer and he didn’t talk for a little longer as he needed a while to wrap his head around what was going on. 

‘’Do you love him more than you loved me?’’

‘’Gavin, that’s not fair,’’ said Alec and Gavin gritted his teeth. 

‘’Perhaps,’’ said Gavin and Alec took in a deep breath and then shrugged.

‘’You were my first love, Gavin,’’ said Alec and the other looked up at him. ‘’There will always be a part of me that will think of you fondly, of course, you can’t just wipe five years of my life, we’ve been together for five years,’’ said Alec and Gavin swallowed thickly and didn’t say anything. ‘’But I have moved on, yes,’’ said Alec and Gavin gritted his teeth. ‘’It’s time that you do as well,’’ said Alec and Gavin shook his head because he didn’t want to. ‘’It’s best that we only stay friends, it’s better in the long run,’’ said Alec and gave Gavin a little smile, but the other didn’t look too impressed with that. ‘’It’s best for us and Rafe,’’ he said. ‘’It’s just… we’re not compatible,’’ said Alec.

‘’I’m never going to love anyone like I love you,’’ mumbled Gavin and Alec took in a deep breath. 

‘’Sure you will, just give it time,’’ said Alec, but Gavin was pretty much that this was it for him. Alec shook his head and then stepped closer to his ex and gave him a little hug because he looked like he needed it and then gently rubbed his back. ‘’It’ll be all okay, Gavin,’’ he said.

* * *

Alec didn’t let the talk with Gavin bother him too much, especially after Magnus and Max finally showed up and he let it completely slide as he was having too much fun with hanging out with the two of them and Rafael. But he did see that something was wrong - Magnus was awfully quiet ever since the arrival and even after an hour or two of all of them hanging out, he didn’t really cheer up, so it made him wonder if something happened - maybe something with Camille again? Or maybe it was work related? Alec didn’t really know, but he wanted to help him out, so as the boys were playing, Alec took Magnus aside into the kitchen because he felt that the two of them needed to talk it out. Alec didn’t want to look into it too much, but he also… he felt that it was somehow related to him; was Magnus upset with him or something?

‘’Talk to me,’’ said Alec softly and Magnus glanced at him, but didn’t say anything. 

The reason that he was being so quiet? He overheard Alec talking to Gavin and he wasn’t in a good mood because he couldn’t feel but to think that Alec’s ex was right. He didn’t hear everything because he was trying to keep Maxie being quiet, but he heard bits and pieces of the conversation; the main point that Gavin pointed out being that he wanted them to give it another try for the sake of Max - so that their family was completely and Magnus just… didn’t want to come in the middle of that. He didn’t even know why he was feeling like that all of the sudden, it was probably because he could tell how much Gavin cared for Alexander, he was still very much in love and was trying to fix his relationship with him and their son - unlike Camille and in a way, Magnus felt bad for him. Maybe it would be for the best if the two of them tried to work things out. But he didn’t really hear Alec telling Gavin that he loved him - that he loved Magnus. It was the key information that he was missing out on and he was just… 

‘’Did I do something wrong?’’ asked Alec and pressed his lips together because he couldn’t really figure it out on his own, he was going to need Magnus’ help to figure it out. Alec didn’t see Magnus listening to their conversation from around the corner, so he didn’t know. ‘’Is it because I didn’t pick up your call yesterday?’’ he asked because that was literally the only thing that he could think of. ‘’I was busy, my shift was hell and-’’ he started, but Magnus raised his finger up and shook his head. No, that wasn’t it. Then what?! Alec really didn’t know!

‘’No, of course it’s not that, I just,’’ said Magnus and then took in a deep breath and clasped his hands together. ‘’You might think that I’m overreacting and being ridiculous, but,’’ he said and then chewed on his lip. ‘’Today, Maxie and I came a bit early here,’’ he said and Alec raised a brow. ‘’Ah, well, we wanted to say hi, but then I saw that you were talking with someone at your door, so we decided to wait around the corner,’’ said Magnus and then made a little pause again. ‘’And, um, I heard you and-’’

‘’Ah,’’ said Alec and then quickly stepped closer to him. ‘’How much did you hear?’’

‘’Enough,’’ said Magnus and looked away. ‘’That’s Gavin, yes? Your ex? Rafael’s father?’’ asked Magnus and Alec nodded, because this was slowly starting to make sense, but at the same time… Alec’s heart started beating faster because if Magnus was standing around the corner for the entire time, then he heard him saying that he loved him and he cleared his throat. Then why such a reaction? Maybe he was freaked out about it?! Alec was nervous then and he pressed his lips together. That was why he didn’t want to say it to Magnus quite yet because he didn’t want to scare him away, so-

‘’Look, Magnus, if you heard-’’

‘’He still loves you,’’ said Magnus and Alec nodded, but he also didn’t know why Magnus was making such a big deal out of it. Maybe he didn’t hear all of it after all? Alec scratched the back of his neck and didn’t say much, allowing Magnus to continue. ‘’Perhaps he’s right,’’ he said and Alec arched his brow. ‘’I mean, we only know each other for two months and you’ve been with him for  _ five years _ , that’s huge,’’ he said. ‘’And he’s Rafe’s father, he’s trying his best to turn a new leaf in his life, so,’’ he said. ‘’I just-’’

‘’Please tell me you’re joking,’’ said Alec and Magnus didn’t say anything, because he just didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to lie to Alexander, so he told him right away what was on his mind, but at the same time he couldn’t help but to think that he was making it a big think, while it really wasn’t. It was probably like that, but he was just…  _ scared.  _ He had abandonment issues since his childhood and he didn’t want to… he didn’t also want to be the reason that would make Alec’s family break up. Maybe he would like to give Gavin another chance even though Alec told him more than once that it was over. Maybe it was that hug that he saw that made him feel so self-conscious even though he knew that he shouldn’t be, but he was. It was really like him to start second questioning things and he didn’t like to allow himself to be happy. He did, but he always worried and then it was his paranoia usually that ended good things. It wasn’t a side of himself that he was proud of and he tried his best to hide it, but at moments like this, his true self was out in the open and he didn’t like it. He didn’t like that he couldn’t control his feelings properly when it came to Alexander.

It scared just how hard and fast he was falling for him; he tried not to move too fast, but at the same time, he was already head over heels for Alexander and he just… he didn’t want to make the same mistake as he did in the past. He was just… he didn’t know why he was acting like that. Yes, he was jealous just a little bit because that man had shared five years of his life with Alec, while he had just met him so to speak. But it was more than that and Magnus knew that he was being stupid, but no matter how much he tried to hide it, he was just spiraling out of control and he just looked down.  _ He was scared of this happiness -  _ two months that he spent with Alexander were like heaven and he didn’t want them to end. But at the same time… usually when he was this happy for a long time, then something happened and it would all come crashing down for him and Magnus was just… he didn’t know what to think anymore. He was acting irrational and he didn’t want to say anything - it would make the situation much worse. 

‘’Magnus?’’ asked Alec. 

‘’Alexander, I just,’’ he said and turned around. ‘’Maybe it’s time for Max and I to leave,’’ said Magnus and Alec shook his head. Before Magnus had the chance to turn around, Alec grabbed his hand and pulled him back, Magnus letting out a gasp and he looked away because he was ashamed.  _ It was his jealousy that was making it all worse.  _ His jealousy and self-consciousness were a recipe for disaster. And he didn’t want to admit it. He knew that it was over between them for good, but at the same time he was just… yes, he was being irrational. 

"No, stay," said Alec seriously and then clasped his hands together, quickly releasing Magnus because he didn't want to appear too pushy. "I mean if you want," said Alec and Magnus nodded after a little while and Alec then sighed in relief.  _ Good, because they needed to talk!  _ "Just," said Alec and then pressed his lips together. "Tell me exactly what you've heard us talk about," said Alec. "Because I think you misunderstood some things," said Alec and Magnus held in his breath, chewing on his lips and his heart was beating.

"I, um," said Magnus and then made another little pause. "Just how much he misses you and thinks that it would do Rafe good if you two get back together," said Magnus and Alec noticed Magnus' hands shaking - he was so nervous! "And-and this is why I cannot really… I mean he is Rafe's father and then the two of you hugged, and it made me-" he started and Alec finally realised it; it was jealousy? In a way? "It's stupid, never mind. It's really not like me to-"

"How about the part of me telling Gavin I love you, did you hear that bit?" asked Alec and Magnus' jaw almost dropped to the floor and Alec chuckled because he thought that was the case. "Thought so," said Alec and chuckled softly. He wanted the first  _ I love you _ to be said under a bit more romantic circumstances, but saying it at the moment was important because he needed Magnus to know, he needed to put Magnus' mind at ease and he stepped closer to Magnus, taking his hand and he pulled him closer. "What's up, Magnus? It's not like you to get like this and I have a feeling it's more than just jealousy," said Alec and Magnus didn't look up at him. Alec hugged Magnus' chin up and he could see sadness in Magnus' eyes. "Come on, tell me?"

"It's just," said Magnus and bit into his lip.  _ Alexander loved him _ . That should be enough to make him stop acting like this because he didn't like it one bit. "It's… Always when I'm happy, I can't allow myself to enjoy it. I don't know why, but my paranoia always ruins things and-and I don't like it," said Magnus. "It's like I can't allow myself to be happy, it's annoying," he said. "I know you've moved on, I know how much you care for me and Maxie. It's my stupid mind that-" he carried on, but then Alec wrapped his arms around him and Magnus' voice trailed off.

"Magnus, it's okay," said Alec softly and Magnus closed it eyes. It seemed that Camille did more than just  _ break his heart.  _ She completely crushed his ability to be happy and Alec's eyes darkened because she completely despised that woman. That aside, he was going to show Magnus that it was okay to be  _ happy. _ He deserved it, he deserved the world. "I'm not going anywhere, okay?" asked Alec and the other nodded, clutching onto his shirt and Alec heard him exhale out; relief. Magnus showed his vulnerable side to Alec and the younger one just hugged him tighter. "I'll show you what real happiness feels like. I'll completely wipe Camille out of your mind and re-write how you look upon love," said Alec and Magnus chuckled.  _ Alexander understood him.  _ He was so happy.

"Alexander?"

"Hmm?"

"Say it again," whispered Magnus and Alec smiled softly.

"I love you," said Alec, saying it properly this time and Magnus smiled, hugging him tighter and he then slowly pulled back, leaning up and kissed him softly.

"I love you too," mumbled Magnus back and Alec kissed him hungrily. He was so happy to hear those words back!

Rafael, who was spying on their dads came running back into the living room to Max to tell him the good news.  _ Their parents have just gotten married,  _ at least in his eyes. Saying "I love you" totally meant being married because that was such a serious move! In his opinion. Max didn't quite get it, but was excited as well because now he and Rafe were brothers, right?!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :)


End file.
